hg3040.com Nidero: How many Chinese parents have not yet been weaned mentally

Nidero: How many Chinese parents have not yet been weaned mentally

Source: Time: 2020-02-21 02:42:07

Millennium Tongzhou vitality north stream

Text | Nedro
A piece of news that has been classified as a "care topic for the elderly" has been hotly debated recently. The general content of the news report is: A couple who have worked hard in Shenzhen for many years, sold a house 10 years ago (actually a big house for a small house) to raise money to send her daughter to study in the United States. This makes parents in the country very dissatisfied. They worry that the only child is far away in the United States and their old age will be miserable. For this reason, the father used "severing the father-daughter relationship" as a threat, but ultimately failed to persuade his daughter to return to China.
The popular view is not difficult to predict, there are not a few who think that parents use "family abduction", accuse their daughters of filial piety, and even scold their "white-eyed wolf". But in general, the one-child policy cannot be ignored. If the couple had two or more children, the daughter would not be solely responsible for the parents' love, trust and pressure. The “kidnapping” of the only child around me is very common. In order to appease the parents ’emotions, some people do give up their“ poems and distant places ”.
When I saw this news, I always felt "familiar" with the words of the couple. Recall carefully, I also heard my mother say something similar. During a chat, I mentioned to my mother that I would not rule out the possibility of living in another country in the future. I teased, "Maybe you can be an American grandma." As a result, my mother gave me a sentence: "Then you son I was born alive. "This couple lives in Shenzhen. My mother lives in a small town in the south of the Yangtze River, but their imagination of the life of immigrants is basically still in fear.
The couple in the news should be in their late 50s. This generation of Chinese people is known for their hard work and dedication. As parents, even though they have completed their personal identity changes from farmers to urban residents, the vast majority of them are self-made. For example, when we were married, we did n’t have our own house; when we took care of us, we did n’t have the assistance of the elderly; we experienced various turbulences at work. It should be said that they have witnessed and experienced the process from scratch, and they deserve to belong to a particularly independent generation.
But the actual situation may be just the opposite. This generation of parents is generally at work and complaints, but there is no trace of independence in spirit. Either they gain social recognition in collective dance, or find affirmation in family order. As individuals, they cannot cope with this mobile society.
They generally have an unchallengable concept of the state, thinking that things like "national cadres", "national meals", and "national teams" are stable and noble as long as they touch the country. At the same time, they lack a global perspective, and they look at the international situation behind the concept of nations. They also almost instinctively reject global immigrants. Even if they travel abroad, they will say "it is still good in China."
In Shenzhen, the couple's anxiety over their daughter's stay in the United States actually has a double meaning. The first layer is where the daughter is not around, and the second layer is where the daughter is not in China. Compared with the former, the latter is more concrete and can stimulate their uneasy emotions.
In their world, all problems in life are solved within the framework of the "state". The five core issues of housing, employment, education, medical care, and old-age care depend on the state. Once out of this country, they become overwhelmed. The father who threatened to "sever the father-daughter relationship" became unacceptable because he and his daughter belonged to different countries.
Adults' seemingly decisive behavior is often a projection of their mental model in infancy and childhood. For example, the reason why newborn babies suck their nipples every 1-2 hours, in addition to eating, is also checking whether their parents are around for protection.
But this mental model will start to change subtly in 4-6 months. 4-6 months babies will begin to have the consciousness of "persistent objects". What is the permanent existence of objects? In short, although the baby does not see her mother, she also believes that her mother is nearby, thus achieving self-comfort. In order to cultivate the baby's "object persistence" consciousness, parents need to make their children play games like hide-and-seek cats, and tell the baby by "disappear-appear" that the parents are always there. Over time, parents can leave their children longer, and parents and children become more independent of each other.
For the parents in Shenzhen, for a period of time after her daughter went to the United States, her mother called her daughter three times a day, and her father kept silently checking the emails with her daughter. On the one hand, these actions show the intimate atmosphere within the family, but on the other hand, it also shows that the parents do not have the consciousness of "persistent objects." Just as babies constantly check whether their parents are with them, parents' apparent "separation anxiety" has also arisen when parents treat their daughters to "go abroad", which requires constant confirmation.
Those little babies who do n’t see their parents during the day often rely on their parents (mainly mothers) at night, and even repeatedly delay their sleep time. The reason here is separation anxiety. Similarly, elderly parents who are more proactive and empowered than babies try to relieve their separation anxiety by "requesting their daughter to come back". In addition, there are a large number of cases in Chinese families. For example, parents who have certain social resources in their hometown, in order to keep their children beside themselves, are helping to find work and buying a house, and are desperately looking for a blind date. This "organized behavior" is also to ease separation anxiety.
Parents born after 50 are not babies who are one year old or a few months old, but mentally, they are in a state of extreme insecurity. The only difference is that babies use crying to attract parents' attention, and parents not only use crying, but also ask their children with anger. Whether it is selling a house for their daughter to study abroad, threatening to cut off their relationship, or lamenting how they take care of themselves, they all use giving, love, sadness, and anger as tools to relieve their anxiety of separation.
Love that lacks tolerance, understanding, and broad horizons, even if it seems selfless, is actually very selfish. Because only if the other person lives according to your wishes, you can get a real sense of security. This behavioral state applies a conception of historian Sun Longji in "Unweaned Nation", which is "maternal fetalization". From the worship of the motherland in the motherland to the opposition to the immigration of children, the mental models behind it all belong to the fact that they are not truly weaned mentally.
Finally, it is worth adding that back to the case, the couple in Shenzhen were actually very lucky. If they are willing to sell a 70-square-foot two-bedroom house in Shenzhen, they can buy a five-times larger villa in the United States with a lower price. As long as they settle in the Chinese community, they do not have to worry too much about language and life issues. But ideas have always been the worst enemy. Daughters staying in the United States are not an obstacle to supporting the elderly, nor are American sons-in-law. Unfortunately, it is harder to change their minds than to reach the sky.
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